The Turd Circus Team
For a ship as tight and fast as Turd Circus you need a crack team of accomplished deckhands. Led by the nefariously handsome Ringmaster, the TC team is much like a bowl of trail mix — pathetic looking but moreishly addictive.
Name: The Ringmaster
Role: Commander In Chief
The origins of the Ringmaster are unknown. Some say he was born of immaculate conception by a continental European diary maid sometime in the last century. Others say he came from the dark side of the moon in a space capsule made of hand chiseled moon rocks. Others still say he was mail ordered from Russia With Love.
The one thing we DO know about The Ringmaster however, is his ability to smell numbers. And, that he could art direct his way out of a paper bag full of paper bags. People often ask The Ringmaster where he gets his ideas from, but if you were to see him in is office at 4am on a Monday night, surrounded by his 3 dozen illegally imported Birds Of Paradise, listening to Hans Zimmer soundtracks at full blast, wearing nothing but a paper napkin loin cloth and beer can hat, smoking a peyote laced cigar — you wouldn't need to ask.
Role: Deputy Vice Stopgap Commander In Chief aka Number Twos
When The Ringmaster is out of town on "business" or passed out drunk at his desk, there is only one person capable of steering the Turd Circus beast without dashing it into the rocks. And that's Brenda. A formidable woman, she paid for her first mortgage entirely from cash winnings from arm wrestling truckers at country diners across the nation. Given the truly eccentric and unstable individuals of the Turd Circus team, only someone as brutishly tough as Brenda can keep the peace. But she's also very sensitive. Once we had an intern who told her she was "harder than Thatcher". That intern was kindly asked to follow her into the boardroom and was never seen or heard from again. And there's no other exists from the boardroom.
Name: Wo-Hen aka Asian Prince
Role: Entertainments and Fashion Manager
When not touring Asia with his Ghetto-Funk band Phant-Asia, Wo–Hen is usually dancing around the office in one of his many 12 foot long studded silk capes. Not an official duty of his but wildly endorsed by both the staff and visitors to the office. Wo-Hen IS fashion and Wo-Hen IS entertainment. For example, our last Christmas party, organized by Wo-Hen, started on a yacht in Sydney Harbour December 15 and ended seven weeks later in a open pit gold mine in Romania before we all got extradited back to Australia. Just another classic Wo-Hen party.
Role: Finance Officer and Enforcer
Raised by farm equipment in a shed in outback South Australia, J-Rob has a different view on life than most. More at home with the buzz and hum of our server room, it's almost like he can speak with computers. Affectionately known as the Mac Whisperer in the office. And hence why he makes such an exceptional Finance Officer — he can make any books balance. Another perk of his mechanical upbringing is his super human strength and throttling anger management issues. So when J-Rob's not cooking our books, he's mercilessly pursuing our debtors, who always pay up.
Name: Professor Milky
Role: Human Resources
Given the broad cross section of society working in our office, the sheer breath of mind bending human diversity can only be handled by a non-humanoid. That's where Professor Milky comes in: a 42 year old stunted Labrador with a PhD in Human Resources. None of that "he said" "she said" bullshit — his one track analytical mind cares not for human emotion. That being said, if you're getting grilled in Professor Milky's office for lacing Guavo's muesli with laxatives again, all you need to do to stop him raining fire on you is pull out a Schmacko. It's a real game changer. That dog goes whacko for Schmackos.
Name: Guavo Putamadre
Role: Office Shaman
Guavo takes care of all staff spiritual needs. He is also the Office Physician (aka drug dealer), got a slight headache? Drink two pints of pureed San Pedro Cactus, retire to the rumpus room, travel through time and come back in 36 hours. Healed. Originally a highland Incan pastry chef, Guavo was head hunted by The Ringmaster for his well regarded smoke ceremonies and honey glazed apple turnovers. Guavo can also play a mean pan-pipe too — like, Master of Puppets mean.